I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
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so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
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I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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