You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.