if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs