Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
