I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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