I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
where does the pee come out of this thing
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
