i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
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So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
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The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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