i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
