Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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