I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
