Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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