considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
