My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need to stop coming to work sober
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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