I accidentally burped into my bong.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Randomize
