I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
this beer tastes like vomit already
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
