Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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