I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
