The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
