im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize