don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
