Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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