the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
