i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
