just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
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Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
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I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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