she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
