it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
