he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
