I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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