woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
