I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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