i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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