I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
