went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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