So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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