Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
