Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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