You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
