remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
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When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
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She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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