true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
