Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
