I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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