i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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