32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
