I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
What a dumb baby whore.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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