My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
