you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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