Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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