My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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