I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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