It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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