Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
