Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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