Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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