Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
