i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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