the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We are all done wearing pants today
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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