you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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