Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
