Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
