Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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