I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
