Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
