Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize