My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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