I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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