So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
