Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Randomize
