sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
